my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
