My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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