Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
