Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
