Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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