I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
