I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Still dying that you shit outside
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
