respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
