Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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