I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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