She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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