I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize