There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
