What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
