how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
