the condom got lost in my hair
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i came on her dog
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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