dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
