sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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