Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
