she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize