I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
