Can i not drive my cunt home
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
