after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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