Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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