I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
