I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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