if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
