I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
