I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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