Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize