I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
