He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
