Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
