How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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