I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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