I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
