Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
