could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
