wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
