Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
