The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
