We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
