and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
