I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
