apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
