it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize