and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
