In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
