based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
