Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
