If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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