So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
