i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
