Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
