Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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