Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
