I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
