saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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