New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
