between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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